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It takes much courage on my part to
speak out on issues of importance, since I may be met with opposition. You see, I am a “chicken” at heart. On top of that, I have a strong desire to be
liked. My desire to be liked and my fear
of opposition dominated my behaviors for many years. Even then, I was ashamed of not standing up
for my ideals, or a bullied classmate or coworker. However, the “payoff” for my lack of action
was huge. I was liked and I had many
friends.
Over the last several years, I’ve
undergone a metamorphosis of sorts. Former
“payoffs” have lessened in value to me, at least in relation to my core beliefs. Defending persons in vulnerable circumstances,
and living up to ideals in which I believe, were desires welling up within me
and I felt compelled to move in those directions. I hoped not to lose friends, or to alienate
certain family members, but I knew that might occur. Ironically, a book given to me by a friend
some years back, a “new-age” type book on authentic living, was one of the impetuses
of my change. The book helped to bring
about a realization in me that I was not living my “authentic” self. However, the direction the book suggested I
turn to live an authentic life was far from the direction I headed to discover my
own authentic life.
So, when I write, I do so with weak
knees and a stuttering voice as if speaking before a vast audience. My fearful side exists still. Yet, unlike before, when my knees begin to
buckle and my voice starts to shake, I keep right on talking (or writing). If that is the only manner in which I can
speak my truths, and live my authentic life, then so be it.
